The Beginning

Relationships are a funny thing. You have a relationship of some kind with everyone you come in contact with. Weather it be professional, intimate, friendly or casual. We put on a different mask for every event. So why is it then that the people in your life that are supposed to know you the very best don't know you at all?

Today is a special day for me for a few reasons. Today is my wedding anniversary. We have been married a whole 365. Today also marks the beginning of a brand new journey for me and my mental health.

When I first started to notice that I had not been feeling quite like myself I chalked it up to the fact that we were planning a wedding and I was working full time in a salon and overnights at a gas station as well. I thought that it was going to be a temporary state of being and I ignored it. Huge mistake. Never ever ever ignore your mental health. Even if it is temporary. I know people who are in peak mental condition and they still see a therapist or a life coach. Totally a normal thing to do.

I ignored it. I thought that eventually it would just get better and go away on its own. I started drinking heavily, I gained a lot of weight, that I'm just now starting to lose, and I rarely slept. I lived on fast food, caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. I was a mess. I didn't have energy to do the things I once loved with a fiery passion. I lost interest in photography. In the hair industry, in writing. All I wanted to do when I wasn't working was drink and watch television. Everyone close to me thought I was just working too much, or stressed about my upcoming nuptials. They believed that because that's what I told them. My parents, siblings, friends, in laws, even my now husband believed that I would be ok and this would pass. Not because they're bad people or not because they don't love me but because I didn't let them see how bad I was really struggling.

The day of the wedding came. A day that should have been the happiest day of my life and all I wanted to do was cry. I had hit my limit. I could no longer ignore what was going on. I thought when the day had come and all the planning had been done that I would feel this wash of relief and happiness swell up within me. When that didn't happen I knew something had to be very very wrong. Did I not want to get married? Was I not happy in my relationship? Was I making a mistake? No. I had let my mental health deteriorate to a point that I didn't know if I was going to make it back. I was simply the shell of the woman I had been. I used to be so full of life. So vivacious and radiant. Everyone who had ever met me would tell me how my smile would light up a city block..

Looking in the mirror now you'd never know that. I seemed dim somehow. Like the light that once shown from deep within me was gone.

So on my wedding night I drank. I drank and I drank and I drank. I wanted to drown this woman. I hated her. My husband deserves the woman he fell in love with. The strong, independent, fearless and spit fire woman with the heart of gold and the ferocity of a hurricane. Because that's who I am. That's who I need to be again. The next morning we got up, now husband and wife, and I confessed. I told him everything I had been feeling and that I didn't know who I was and what had happened to me. I told him I felt broken. I am broken. I will never forget what this man said to me. At 5:38 in the morning, on a Sunday, after a night of love and laughter and drinking he looks at me and he says, "I know. And I'm so glad that you see it now too. Lets get you some help. We'll figure this out together and I'm always here for you."

I learned a few things from that conversation. The first one being I married an incredible man. The second being even though I thought I hid my struggling well this man saw right through it and wanted to help. The third thing I learned was that even though he wanted to help, he wanted to make it go away, he knew that he couldn't do a damn thing about it until I was ready to do something about it. And that is so so important. I'm lucky enough that he knows me so well that he can sense when something is wrong. I'm lucky that I don't ever feel like I can't break down. Because we are all allowed to break sometimes. However, bipolar one (as well as many other forms of depression) doesn't always have warning signs. People struggling with mental illness, especially those who have been struggling a long time, hide it very well. I did from a number of people. Even some of the relatives I'm closest to had no idea.

If you're struggling, reach out. Someone cares. Someone loves you. Get the help you need and I promise it does get better. It does not go away. But with the right tools and guidance its manageable and you will feel true happiness again. Please do not be afraid to reach out. You're not alone.

-Kait <3